Diary of a Lonely girl
by Foxy the Sly
Summary: Little Elsa decides to respond to Anna's visits every night through letters in a diary. [REPOST]
1. Chapter 1

**Diary of a Lonely girl**

**Little Elsa decides to respond to Anna's visits every night through letters in a diary.**

**I do not own Frozen or its characters, but I can imagine their feelings throughout the story**

**Thanks to Swaggy0nMe for sending me the chapters I had lost when my fanfic was deleted by fanfiction dot net – without him (or her), the story would never have been continued.**

**A copy of this story has also been uploaded to archive of our own in case it is lost again. Anyone who would like the link can contact me by private message.**

DAY ONE

Dear Anna,

I have decided to write a diary of the things I won't be able to tell you until everything is OK again.

Mother and Father have told me it is only a matter of time before I learn to control my powers, and then I will finally be able to play with you again.

I'm sorry that I can't answer your calls or let you in like I used to - I heard you through the door, and I miss you too. And yes, yes I want to build a snowman, but I won't be able to for a long time yet.

I hope that when I can finally give you this diary, you will understand that what we've both been through by then will have been for a reason, and that I have always loved you little sister.

You're my best buddy, and you will always be.

Love

Elsa

P.S. I just realized you don't know about my powers anymore, or the reason behind all this. I can control ice and snow, and the powers are just getting stronger.

I hurt you last night Anna – I didn't mean to, but it happened. It was bad, but it could have been even worse. I am scared but I will try harder for you.

P.P.S Please please please don't hate me for ignoring you, for however long it takes. I truly do not want to.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Anna,

I am sitting, with my back against the door, listening to you, and it breaks my heart that I can't go out there, play with you and forget about everything, if only for a moment.

Don't think that I am no longer your friend, that I no longer care! I miss you Anna.

I am trying very hard to control my powers so that one day soon, I will be able to go out there when you call – and we will be as before again. Best of friends. Mother and Father say that I must let go of my emotions – that I should hide them deep inside me. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.

It scares me, and I don't want to scare you too.

You must be asking yourself why I haven't – and will not – answer you until my powers are under control. I'm scared. Scared that if I answer, I will rush out and hug you. Scared that you will not believe me. Scared that I might say so many things I shouldn't.

Goodnight Anna,

Your sister and Best friend,

Elsa


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Anna,

Sometimes I wonder, if I were to let myself use these powers, what wonderful things I could do… What are my limits? How far do they reach?

I can never know the answer.

As soon as those thoughts come to mind, I remember the way the snow struck you, and your still form, lying in the room. I remember the panic on Mother and father's faces, and our race to see the trolls.

I remember what they said.

It could have been so much worse Anna, but it was already so bad.

When I lie awake at night, wishing that it had never happened, I remember their words, and I change my mind. If it had never happened, my powers would have continued to grow, and maybe – just maybe – something far worse would have happened.

I can't let anything else happen to you – I just can't!

Your sister who misses you

Elsa


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Anna,

I'm scared, I don't understand why, but my powers are only getting stronger and stronger! What's happening to me?

Before the Accident (that's what I've taken to calling it), I could control my powers really well, and we constantly hid to play with them and make snowmen at night. Very few members of the staff knew about them, and everything was going fine. I'm not sure how much you truly remember about this, and how much of your memories were changed.

Now, I'm constantly trying to push them down, but they just won't disappear. I'm staying in my room constantly, for fear that someone will see things turn to ice around me, and I can't even look out the window without turning it to ice!

You're right Anna, I am hiding – I must hide until I can control my powers. I just hope you will still be willing to find me when I'm ready to leave my hiding place.

Sometimes, I watch you play outside – I wish I could be out there playing with you, but I'm scared that if I were, I would hurt you.

I miss you Anna,

Elsa.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Anna,

It hurts, every day, when you come to my room, knock at my door and ask me to play. I can't answer you – I don't know when I will be able to.

I can hear in your voice that you're losing hope, that you no longer think that I am here and listening – and I can't stop you from thinking that way! It hurts so much that sometimes, I just wish it would stop – but I miss you Anna! I don't want to lose our last form of contact!

Every day, when you come, I sit with my back to the door, so as to feel closer to you, and listen to everything you have to say. I can't answer, but I have tears in my eyes from holding it all in. I feel so guilty, that you have to go through all this without knowing why, and that I can't help you as we go along.

Please be patient Anna,

Your sister

Elsa


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Anna,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that Anna – I didn't really want you to go away, it just slipped out! I couldn't take the guilt anymore and I said "Go away" – I regretted it the moment I said it!

Please, don't hate me, don't lose hope in me, little sister – soon I will control my powers and I will be able to come out and play with you again.

I'm sorry, please forgive me.

Elsa


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Anna,

I miss you – you haven't come by for days, ever since I said go away, and you have no idea how much I regret saying it.

I'm still not making much progress on the powers front, but I have finally told mother and father about how scared I am of touching things they said they would look into it and try to help me.

I will let you know what happens.

Please come back soon.

Your sister who misses you,

Elsa


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Anna,

You still haven't come to see me.

I watched you out the window today – you were playing in the gardens – making Kai and Gerda run around after you. Sometimes, you would stop running and look up.

I hope this means that you still want to play with me when I can leave this room – that you still have faith in me even though you don't know what's wrong.

I am trying to protect you Anna, and it hurts.

I hope you'll come back soon.

Your sister, who misses you.

Elsa


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Anna,

I'm so happy! You finally came back last night. It had been such a long time, I was worried you would never forgive me for saying what I said that night.

You stood outside the door – I could hear you walk and stop as well as your hesitation before you finally knocked.

Father came by today and gave me some gloves. They seem to help with my powers, but we'll wait a few days just to be sure. Maybe I'll be able to come out and talk to you soon.

I understand you'll be going on a trip around the kingdom with father tomorrow – Please please please tell me how it goes? I want to know what you've seen, the scenery, the colors, everything!

From my room window, I can see the gardens, the forest and the mountain, and the way they change throughout the seasons. I've taken to reading and imagining the world outside from the words written within the pages of my books.

I hope you will continue coming back despite my continued silence, and I am sorry that I cannot do anything to make this easier on you.

Your sister,

Elsa


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Anna,

This is it. Thanks to the gloves, I can finally leave my room. I won't be able to play with you yet, as strong emotions can let my powers loose anyway, but it is still progress. I think I will explore the castle and start on my studies for now, but it is still better than how we are currently!

We can see each other, in the dining hall or in the library – isn't that great? I hope everything turns out alright.

I must admit I've been a little jealous that you could see so many more things around the castle and gardens - of course, I realize it is not your fault… I just hope you won't hate me when you find out that I am the cause of this forced isolation for the both of us.

Wish me luck.

Your sister,

Elsa


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Anna,

I'm sorry for ignoring you today. It was extremely difficult for me.

I am no longer used to having people other than father and mother around me, and the way you nearly bowled me over as soon as you saw me was a little overwhelming – I was scared I might just freeze everything then and there.

Father and mother noticed what was going on and sent me to the library to study – I hope they weren't too hard on you.

I was so happy to see you again, despite everything… I'm sorry I couldn't let you know how much.

I've started studying all kinds of things, like languages, math and the history of the Kingdom. Math are fun – I find that they're a nice distraction and a good way to concentrate. Maybe they can help me stop using my powers by counting backwards when I'm nervous or worried.

I'll let you know if it works.

Your sister

Elsa.


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Anna,

I tried counting backwards, and it does help me calm down, and stop the magic from leaving after a while, but I can't help the ice from escaping my body for the first few seconds.

I think… I won't be able to play with you for a while more - I have simply traded one prison for another.

Before, when I was in my room all the time, I thought getting out of it meant things would be like before, but it doesn't work that way, does it?

You don't know anything about my powers or about the Accident and I can't tell you about these things. You want me to play with you but I cannot – not until I am sure that accidents can no longer happen.

And when I see you – oh the guilt just eats away at me. I see that white streak in your hair – the one you think you've had since birth – and it rears up, a constant reminder that I should not let myself go, that I should keep concealing my powers as well as not feeling anything.

Yes, Father and I came up with these rules together : "Conceal it, don't feel it" aswell as "don't let them in" and "don't let them see" – no-one must know of my powers. This is as much for my protection as for yours, and I have lived by these rules ever since that day.

Now, I live by the same rules, and even though I can see you I can never stay around you for long. I have traded my bedroom for the study and the library, and the doors remain closed.

I will study more, and learn about our kingdom and about my ice – until I am ready to join you outside again.

Please be patient, little sister

I love you

Elsa


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Anna,

I froze a whole corner of my room today, the power got out straight through the gloves before I even noticed. It scares me – my powers are only getting stronger, and what could stop them yesterday may not be able to stop them tomorrow.

How can I protect the people I care for if I can't control my powers? I told mother and father to stop hugging me today. I can't afford to lose them.

At times like these, it hurts so much that I can't do anything, that I can't control myself better.

I have learned to appreciate calm activities, where I am constantly in control rather than fun and games – it helps me avoid outbursts. I am afraid that this makes us more and more different as time goes by though.

I'm sorry Anna – I won't be leaving my room for a few days again.

Elsa.


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Anna,

Sitting around and thinking seems to be making it worse – I've taken to keeping as busy as possible as well as exercising in order to evacuate.

I'm sorry that this is just pushing us further and further apart, I'm sure if you knew you would help, but I just can't take the risks involved.

Mother and Father seem confident that I can take care of myself better now, but I remain unsure. I'm scared that one day, they won't be around and my powers will get away from me.

I know you're hurt, I heard through the door how you felt that you were "just a spare", and that I was a scholar, an athlete and a poet, but you're not. You're so much more than that, I just hope that I will be able to let you know someday.

I'm tired – of trying and failing, of avoiding both you and my problems. I'm tired of running, but it is the only thing I can do for now.

Goodnight sister

I love you

Elsa


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Anna,

Working constantly has really helped me not use my powers – I am finally making progress.

Starting tomorrow, we will be able to share some of our classes – on etiquette for instance – isn't that great?

Of course, as a safety measure, we'll have to sit a couple meters apart, but it's better than before, right?

I'll see you tomorrow sis, I can't wait!

Elsa


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Anna,

Sometimes I wonder what hurts most.

To feel the guilt for something another person does not remember, to shut them out constantly – for their own safety – knowing that you are hurting their feelings and your own by doing so?

To not be guilty of anything, yet think you are as somebody tries to protect you by pushing you away. To be unaware of a crime done unto you, but still suffer the consequences without having a choice as to what could have been done.

Or to see this happen, knowing of the hurt on either side – as our parents do – and be unable to offer comfort?

Father and Mother love us, but that fateful day changed everything for everyone. I am conscious that I have probably been through the most change since that night.

I lock myself in my room, keep myself closed off to people and emotions, and have even started to reject the physical contact I so used to crave. I hardly ever smile anymore and when I do it is bitter, twisted or sad. I've tried to smile in front of a mirror on occasion, tried to practice a real smile to put their minds at ease, but I can never manage. Every time I try, I can see the worry in their eyes. They don't know how to comfort me anymore and I'm sure that it hurts them.

I'm sure they also have that expression when speaking with you – about me and my seclusion, about the past, about how lonely you feel. They know you've begun to speak to the paintings – probably in order to have a face opposite you instead of a wooden door and I believe they feel just as responsible as I am. The difference is that you've always been an optimist, always seen the bright side of things and loved everyone and everything.

When - not if, I can't say if – the day comes that I can leave my room, both physical and metaphorical, and join you in the sun again, I hope this will all just be a bad memory for all of us, and that we can move on, stronger and happier than before.

I miss talking with you instead of just listening. I miss your smile and laughter. I wish that day will come fast, but in the meantime, I will continue to write.

Your sister,

Elsa

A/N – from here on out, the previous chapters were lost (except for chapter 20) – look forward to my updates!

Foxy


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Anna,

Classes were fun, though I'm sorry I could not respond to your note.  
You probably noticed that Mother and Father were watching us during that first class – it was in case my powers showed, but we've passed that test.

I was able to control my powers well enough through concentration, and I was happy to be beside you – but please stop leaning over so much, I'm scared you'll fall. Although Mother and Father may have asked the tutor to sit us further apart when you grabbed onto my desk as you were trying to pass me that note.

And by the way, yes, I was happy to be in classes with you – I'm just as excited as you are that we can see each other more regularly now – even if it isn't in a fun setting.

A bad point about my being able to not use my powers by concentrating on the lesson is that I'm still just as likely to ignore you now, despite our renewed proximity.

I had hoped that our renewed closeness would rekindle our old friendship, and allow us to slowly grow closer again, but I don't think it is going to be possible in this setting . . .

Although… It is probably for the best.

If I were to give in, speak with you and play with you, only to ignore you again, and continue shutting you out the next day, your hopes would surely crumble - as I have sensed they were close to doing recently – in a heartbeat.

I love you little sister – don't ever doubt that, and whatever you do, don't lose hope.

Your sister,

Elsa

P.S. Thanks for the chocolate by the way – I know what a sacrifice it must have been if you love chocolate as much as I do.

P.P.S. I noticed you've been watching my hands recently – are you intrigued by the gloves? I find their presence soothing – I feel like, as long as I have them on me, I am in control. This is not always true, but they serve as a reminder to me, that I must not let my powers out.


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Anna,

My gloves are the shackles that allow me to grow, to live outside of my room, my books and the view from my window, as well as to spend time with the people I care about – Father, Mother, yourself.

They are made of silk, and not of metal, but the weight of their presence is inescapable – it reminds me that I can't allow myself to feel – not yet, not until I know how to block it out and stop the risks.

I am sorry that today I quickly moved away and ran when you tried to get me to take them off – I've probably given you the impression that I'm deathly afraid of dust or something.

If only it were so simple.

Father and mother believe that I am ready to take the gloves off, but I know differently. Just the other day, I took them off and a whole corner of my room froze!

I saw how downtrodden you looked at dinner, and do not expect you to come by tonight.

You've been very good about coming throughout the years – you came when I started ignoring you, you came back after I told you to go away, and even when I started leaving my room, you came.

Of course, you no longer come every day – I hardly even expect it anymore, after all, we do see each other – if sometimes from afar – during the day, but it is enough.

As I write these words I can hear footsteps slow outside the door – they must be yours and yet there is no knock. These occurrences happen more and more often, and yet I am powerless to stop them. My bedroom is both my sanctuary, my safe haven if you will, and my cage. It is the one place where I can let loose my powers, the one place where nobody is in danger from them, and yet it is also the one place which reminds me most of my loss – our loss on that fateful night, all those years ago.

It is likely I will no longer be returning to our classes together, but that I will start studying separately again as I begin to learn more about my future duties as queen . . .

I will see you soon, I hope

Regards

Elsa


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Anna,

I have spoken with our parents of my responsibilities, and of my powers.

They believe that I can control them – that I am safe to be around in everyday situations, but I do not agree. My life, your life, and the lives of everybody around us could be damaged, maybe irreparably by the slightest mood change.

As I had predicted, our classes together will soon stop as I prepare to learn to govern the country – I just hope I will not have to make use of these skills soon.

On a more positive note, you have come back – like clockwork, to knock on my door, and tell me your feelings, your fears and your hopes. We have both grown up and changed so much over the years, that this routine is a welcome distraction from my responsibilities and my fear.

Tonight, you spoke of a charming prince, who might come and sweep you off your feet, you spoke of the doors opening, and the people you could meet and greet and you got me thinking.

You have described very clearly the kind of prince who could make your heart melt and carry you away to be married, and yet I have no idea what it would take to steal mine away.

And if mine were to be stolen away by some manner of man or prince, would I be free to love him without fear of my powers hurting him?

Somehow, I would like to think that my powers are a curse, and that a kiss from prince charming would blow them away like they do in fairy tales – but I have outgrown fairy tales, and I have been told sufficiently throughout the years that my powers are a gift, and not a curse to give this theory the benefit of the doubt…

Only time will tell, I guess

Elsa


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Anna,

Father has told me that he may have to leave soon for a few weeks.

Mother would also be going with him.

This is all for his duty as king – a duty myself or my husband, if ever I take one, will have to take in a few years. In this case the goal is to negotiate a new trade agreement with one of our old allies, and I can understand the need for this voyage.

I will not be joining them on their trip – my powers still escape my control at times, and I am scared that in unfamiliar territory, and in case of trouble I may let it loose by accident.

If that were to be the case, all we have worked for up to now would be for nought.

It will just be you, me and the servants for a while – I hope everything will be OK while they're gone.

There is still a couple weeks left at least before their voyage. I must work hard, so that I may see them off with confidence, and hold my own in this daily battle for control until they are back.

Wish me luck!

Elsa


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Anna,

I'm scared – It's true, I am a coward.

Father and Mother are going on a trip, and I'm scared to watch them go, scared to say goodbye, scared to hug them – scared that anything could happen to them.

And I'm scared to say goodbye with you – what if my powers make an appearance? What if you notice the distance I have established with our parents?

But most of all, I'm scared of being alone with you.

I've been shutting you out for so long, I no longer know how to interact with you, and even if I did, what of my powers.

Two weeks alone, during which mother and father won't be here to guide and council me, to teach me, and I will truly be alone.

I know that you love me, and that you'll be just outside the door, if I ever dare to open it, but it's just not the same.

They know. They remember, and that simple fact has saved me over the last few years. If I were to let you in, anything could happen – and you do not know, or understand, why I do things the way I do. It would only be a matter of time.

Anyhow, I'm sorry Anna.

I know you wanted us to say goodbye together, and I'm sorry that it will not happen.

I know that you'll be even more lonely while they're away, and that you still don't know why this castle is so dark and empty – why the doors are closed.

And I know, that at some point over the next two weeks you will try to get me to spend time with you, and that I will shut you out.

But know this, Anna, I truly love you, and everything – EVERYTHING – I do while mother and father are away, will be done to protect you.

I still love you Anna – you're still the little sister I used to climb trees with in the garden and make snowmen with in the ballroom.

I miss you

Elsa


End file.
